


Questions of Science (Do Not Speak As Loud As My Heart)

by Baamon5evr



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aromantic Maria Hill, F/M, Getting Together, Lots of Angst, M/M, Mentions of canon character death, Minor Sexual Content, Multi, PTSD, Romani Jewish Wanda, Vision has a lot of Wanda feels too, Voyeurism, Wanda feels, non-graphic, only minor Sexual Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-06
Updated: 2015-06-06
Packaged: 2018-04-03 04:19:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4086412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baamon5evr/pseuds/Baamon5evr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vision would like to believe he was at least above Stark's emotional range but he rather doubted it. It didn't really bother him though because he was not meant for human emotions, he was meant to protect human life, all life and that was a large enough burden without adding the mess human emotions usually caused. That is until Wanda.<br/>He didn't like to admit he was anything like Stark but the idea of simply telling the Avengers his shortcomings and asking for help repelled him so instead he would observe them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Questions of Science (Do Not Speak As Loud As My Heart)

**Author's Note:**

> \- I know that Vision is an android so is neither female or male but I do refer to him with male pronouns in this.  
> \- The sexual voyeurism is very minor and non-graphic  
> \- In the comics, Wanda is Romani-Jewish and that is a huge part of her character in this. It's frankly disgusting that they had a canonically Jewish character volunteer for nazi experiments but I address that here. (Wanda has a lot of feels you guys, so buckle up).

**I. Overjoyed**

 

_Oh I feel overjoyed_

_When you listen to my words_

_I see them sinking in_

_Oh I see them crawling underneath your skin_

 

Vision would like to believe that he understood a full range of human emotion. Between the capacity for it Dr. Cho gave him, the range Ultron possessed that he passed on to him and the one JARVIS was programmed with and developed independently over the years Vision would like to think his understanding perhaps even exceeded that of a human's. His ability to express such emotions was another story entirely. According to Sergeant Wilson he could be emotionally constipated at times but it wasn't something that humans weren't prone to quite often so he shouldn't worry too much. Vision remembered Mr. Stark's spectacular ability to push away most things with emotion attached or do his best to detach from it except for with Lieutenant Colonel Rhodes who was too invested in him to let him do that and with Ms. Potts who saw right past that behavior. He would like to believe he was at least above Stark's emotional range but he rather doubted it. It didn't really bother him though because he was not meant for human emotions, he was meant to protect human life, all life and that was a large enough burden without adding the mess human emotions usually caused. That is until Wanda.

Wanda Maximoff was... indescribable. She was so strong yet wounded as well, so powerful yet so small and beautiful in the way she gracefully carried herself, overwhelming power, grief and all. She didn't ever mind if he didn't respond to her as a normal person would, didn't mind if he went off on tangents about his ideas to prolong humanity or his perception of life in general. She would listen and trust him to listen to her speak. And he would, he'd listen to her speak about her memories of her parents and her brother, speak about their country's struggle, speak about the discrimination she and her brother endured being Romani, the regret and disgust she felt for herself for volunteering for HYDRA's experiments despite the fact she and her brother were half Jewish. She would worry over what their father would think of them for choosing in their angered grief to align themselves with a Nazi organization. Vision wished he had the words to comfort her but he couldn't find it within himself. He could recite every known number past the decimal point of pi but he couldn't stem the tears of a woman he... felt very deeply for. Thus began his journey of observation.

He didn't like to admit he was anything like Stark but the idea of simply telling the Avengers his shortcomings and asking for help repelled him so instead he would observe them. They were all in relationships of their own despite the fact they were all disasters in their own way. He wondered how humans did it, managed to get their respective disasters to co-exist enough to form a bond. He knew that it ended cataclysmically sometimes but all his teammates had managed it no matter how complicated the relationships could be. That in and of itself was a miracle. So he watched them, putting his powers of invisibility to good use so he could gather data unhindered. Sometimes he felt rather ashamed for intruding on their intimate moments.

He watched Captain Rogers and Sergeant Wilson first and the first day he immediately regretted it and almost never did it again. He didn't see Captain Rogers as a man prone to public displays of affection and neither was Sergeant Wilson. They could be quite entertaining and funny, the pair of them, but they were also very serious men. When they were on a mission they were no longer Steve Rogers and Sam Wilson: the couple, they were Captain America and the Falcon: teammates and leaders among Earth's mightiest heroes. There was no kissing in the field, no hugging, no hand holding, no distractions. There was simply the fight and having the backs of those closest you. But that was just in public. At the Avengers complex, he found them to be the most tactile of all the couples living there. Wherever Sergeant Wilson was Captain Rogers was usually close by if not standing on his left side, always his left. He thought that might be an inside joke between them. They were usually always touching in some way, the sergeant resting a hand on Rogers' knee while they ate lunch or the captain holding Wilson to his chest as they watched movies on the couch together. He wondered if Wanda would feel comfortable with him casually touching her as they did each other, if she would ever welcome it. He figured watching the two men on their own together would garner good data, they were the healthiest relationship he'd seen so far.

That first day, Vision had decided to start his research midday on a Wednesday. Sergeant Wilson was off of his work with the VA that day and he usually spent those days with Captain Rogers. It was around lunchtime so he figured he would observe them have a conversation over a meal. He was hoping to acquire the best way to go about a conversation with Wanda not centered on the bad things that had happened to her, he was not quite expecting what he had walked in on although he supposed he should have. The men were on the couch but not eating as he thought they would be. They were both naked and the sergeant was in Rogers' lap. His arms were wrapped tightly around his neck, his body was jolting as shivers seemed to be wracking his body and he was moaning and groaning. At first Vision thought he was in pain, the totality of the scene going over his head.

"Steve, baby. Ooh..." Rogers wrapped his arms tightly around Wilson's waist pulling him down while he thrust into...

_Oh, goodness._ Vision thought with horror, quickly turning his back on the two. He grimaced, cursing himself for not immediately realizing what they were doing. He should've realized, Stark had brought home more than enough partners for him to be well versed on the topic of sex. If he could blush his cheeks would be bright red. Which brought another concern. If he and Wanda were to ever enter into a relationship more intimate than friendship would that mean they would have to have sex? Most relationship seemed to depend heavily on it except for relationships where one or more members weren't so sexually inclined but he wasn't sure if that was true for Wanda. Could he even pleasure her in such a manner if she was? He did have a male genitalia but didn't really know how to use it in that capacity. Perhaps he wouldn't be remiss in gathering data for that as well, since he was there anyway. He knew it wouldn't be exactly the same for he and Wanda as it was for the captain and the sergeant but he could still study the basics.

He peeked back over his shoulder at the pair. Rogers had pushed Wilson down flat on his back on the couch and was on his knees thrusting into him. Wilson seemed to be enjoying it as he made small noises of pleasure, declaring his love repeatedly between moans while reaching up to touch his lover wherever he could: his chest, his arms, his shoulders. Rogers wasn't silent either though he said little more than Wilson's name and yet he didn't need to say more. The way he said the simple, monosyllabic word with such reverence and desperation before leaning forward and pressing their lips together. Wilson pulled out of the kiss after a moment before wrapping his arms around Rogers' shoulders and pressing his face to his neck in a tight embrace that left no space between them.

"I got you. I got you." Wilson whispered into Rogers' ear.

"I know, I know, I know. Sam, _I know_." Vision suddenly was hit with guilt. The intimacy of their act was more than he was prepared to face or think of in regards to himself and Wanda and he quickly exited just as quietly as he came. He didn't try to watch again for a couple days but then he had a late night dinner with Wanda. He had tried to comfort her, had tried to make her laugh and it worked but then he didn't know what to do and had ended up explaining some of Helen's latest work instead of keeping a leisure conversation going.

He found himself entering Wilson and Rogers' floor unnoticed the next day. It was so silent he almost feared they weren't there. He hesitantly entered the living room, wary of what he would see once he entered. Thankfully they were not copulating their love on the sofa. Wilson was staring blankly at the television while Rogers moved a pencil across his sketchpad, his feet tucked under Wilson's leg. They seemed content enough in their silence with each other, neither saying any words to the other. Vision stared particularly close at Wilson. He seemed despondent, quiet and subdued in a way he normally wasn't. He recognized this behavior as one he exhibited after a night of bad dreams. Vision wondered why Rogers didn't say or do something to comfort him, why he didn't speak to him at all. Suddenly Wilson turned off the television and crawled over to Rogers on the couch. The blonde immediately put the sketchpad down and opened his arms for the other man. They wrapped their arms around each other, Rogers' rubbing his hands up and down Wilson's back.

"You wanna talk about it yet?" The captain asked.

"No, not yet."

"Okay. What do you need?"

"This is enough. Just... hold me."

"I got you this time, Birdie. I won't let you fall."

Vision blinked a bit. He had never thought to just ask Wanda what she needed from him, if anything. Somehow he thought that it had to be more complicated than that, most things with humans usually were especially concerning their emotions.

That night Vision found himself once again eating dinner with Wanda. She was silent, he wasn't sure which worries were plaguing her now. A part of him, the part he was trying desperately to equip with better tools, wanted nothing more than to launch into a science driven tangent but he stopped himself. Wanda was twirling her noodles on her fork staring into space with a lost expression on her face so this wasn't the time to be lost within himself. He remembered what Captain Rogers had done for Sergeant Wilson, how he had simply asked him what he needed. He reached out hesitantly to touch Wanda's hand. She jumped a little at the contact before giving him an apologetic smile.

"I'm sorry. I'm not much for company right now."

"It's alright. Just... tell me what you need." Wanda seemed a bit surprised at the question before giving a helpless shrug.

"I don't know. I don't know what I need." She looked down and away with something like shame coating her eyes. Vision clutched her hand tighter in his.

"I'll stay with you. I won't leave you." He didn't know why he said those words but they seemed to be the right ones to say because Wanda looked up at him with a smile tugging at her lips, it was small but it was there and so he felt some sense of accomplishment especially as she turned her hand over and intertwined their fingers together instead. She laid her head down on his shoulder and heaved a large breath of air. Vision said nothing for a long while, just as Captain Rogers hadn't.

"Tell me more about Dr. Helen's theories." Wanda said quietly.

"We don't have to talk about things that interest me if you don't want to."

"I want to. I like how passionate you get over Helen's work. I like how much you want to protect it and make sure it stays hers. Tell me more, I want to hear it. That's what I need for now." Vision hesitated for only a moment more before he began speaking. Soon he was lost in his own world, the words flowing from his lips but he didn't miss Wanda's contented sigh as she listened to him. He was delighted he had at least done something right.

 

**II. The Words**

_I know that we’re both afraid_

_We both made the same mistakes_

_An open heart is an open wound to you_

 

After the success from watching Captain Rogers and Sergeant Wilson, Vision moved his attention to the next couple in residence. He saw a lot of Wanda in Agent Hill. There was an insecurity and a level of grief in her he didn't quite understand however she was stronger than most gave her credit for. The Deputy Director had walls that were higher than Mount Everest and while Wanda's were not so high she could shut down and push him away sometimes and he wasn't sure how to deal with that or handle that. He did not want to leave her, yet he wanted to respect her wishes. Colonel Rhodes seemed to know exactly what to do for Agent Hill whenever she was of a mood to push him away.

They were not as affectionate with each other as Captain Rogers and Sergeant Wilson, they were not very tactile with each other at home or in public other than Colonel Rhodes putting an arm around Agent Hill's shoulder from time to time if she allowed it so he wondered how it was he was able to get through to her. He entered their floor quietly, making his way to the kitchen where Colonel Rhodes was alone cooking. A few moments after Vision entered Agent Hill stormed into the kitchen holding a bouquet of flowers. She threw it down carelessly on the counter causing Colonel Rhodes to look up at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Found these on my desk." Hill said with annoyance.

"I know because I put them there."

“Why the hell would you do that? I’m a professional, I need to lead my people which is hard enough seeing as how their faith is a little rocky after finding out we had a leech growing under our noses for 70 years and didn’t figure it out. I need to be focused, no distractions, no questions from them. I don’t need them turning into giggly school girls over my supposed secret admire and-- what the hell are you doing?” Hill asked, cutting herself off. During her rant Colonel Rhodes had gone to a drawer and took out a box before sliding it over to her.

“Happy birthday.” He said simply before going back to his cooking.

“It’s not my birthday, my birthday was last week.”

“I know that now but I didn’t know then because you didn’t tell anyone about it. I had to find out from Natasha so I bought that for you and I got you a bouquet of flowers to put on your desk because your desk is depressing. There’s not even any photos on it.”

"Photos of who? My family? Not much in the way of that." She said sarcastically. Colonel Rhodes turned from the stove, wiping his hands on a cloth.

"You could put photos of you and your friends. Natasha, Clint, Coulson, Fury, Agent May. But I know you can't go there, not yet maybe not ever, so I gave you flowers instead." Hill looked down at the flowers and stared at them as if they were suddenly going to begin walking.

"You gonna open the box or not?" Rhodes asked. She grabbed the box hesitantly and opened it. She lifted out a necklace, a silver chain with a diamond encrusted eagle set against a shield at that end. Hill began shaking her head while chuckling humorlessly.

"Why do you do this? Why do you do this to yourself? I'm not... I don't... I can't love you, I just don't.... I can't feel that. I don't know what's wrong with me but I--"

"There's nothing wrong with you, Maria. I knew who you were before we got into this relationship. I knew you probably would never fall in love with me, that's just who you are. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you." Hill shook her head sadly.

"You're wasting your time with me. You should be with someone who can love you, who can say those words to you and mean it." Rhodes walked towards her, gently taking the necklace from her, placing it down and taking her hands in his.

"Do you trust me?" He asked.

"You know I do."

"Do you care for me?"

"Yes but I--"

"Then that's it. I'd rather receive your trust and care than anyone else's love."

"Don't get too sappy on me Rhodes." She joked.

"Hold on to your bootstraps, there's a drop ahead." Hill chuckled lightly at the joke.

"Just because you can't love me doesn't mean I don't love you. I don't want you to change on account of me, the only person you should change for is yourself." Hill stared at him for a moment before wrapping her arms around him.

Vision wondered if he would ever be able to be so open to Wanda about his feelings, he wondered if he even knew what the range of his emotion towards her was. Love was a word humans threw carelessly about more often than not. Was what he felt for Wanda love? He didn't know. He didn't have anything to compare it to. He wasn't even sure if what he and Wanda were doing was dating. They spent a lot of time together, they went out together, sometimes they slept ln the same couch together but never a bed. Wanda would kiss his cheek or his hand but not his lips, she'd call him pet names like 'dear' and 'love' and she'd cuddle up to him when they were watching movies on the couch but they never had a frank discussion about what they were. Perhaps he should've long ago.

It is that night when they are on the couch cuddled together that he hesitantly brings it up.

"Wanda?"

"Yes, love?"

"I had an inquiry for you, if it's not too much trouble."

"You have a question for me? What can I tell you that you don't already know."

"Well, what we are exactly to start." He replied. He felt nervous, he wasn't aware he was capable of feeling nervous.

"Well you're an android and I'm human, mostly anyway." She joked. Well at least he caught her in a good mood.

"Well yes but I mean you and I as a... pair, what-- what are we?" Wanda's smile waned now.

"We are friends."

"I appreciate your friendship more than you know."

"I appreciate yours as well." She said curtly before turning back to the television. He could see her walls up now and here's the part where he would flounder, unsure of himself and his capabilities but he remembered the calm Colonel Rhodes exhibited while pushing the conversation and so he breathed deeply, calming his troubled nerves before pushing forward.

"Do you trust me, Wanda?" She turned in his arms, her eyes. both confused and wary.

"Yes, of course I do."

"Do you care for me?" He continued, following Colonel Rhodes' line of questioning.

"Why are you asking me these things?"

"Because I trust you and I care for you. I may even feel something beyond care though I won't startle you with that. I think you feel the same way. This world won't last forever, I do not wish to waste time. It is a terrible thing to waste." Wanda detached herself from his arms and began pacing the room.

"You don't want me, Vision. Why would you? What can I give you? I couldn't protect anyone I loved, I brought shame to myself and my father, I nearly helped a madman destroy the world. What can I give you? I'm not... you deserve better." Vision felt a righteous indignation begin poking at his ribs prompting him to stand.

"You are Wanda Maximoff. Your paternal grandparents limped their way out of the basement of a Jewish concentration camp, your maternal grandparents rose out of the muck of prejudice and persecution against Romani people and they all fought and clawed their way to live their lives despite all the chaos those lives entailed. All the thousands of possibilities and forks in the road and the sheer number of 'could haves' and 'should haves' that brought your parents together so that, despite all leanings to the contrary, they would one day have you. And you are here; after surviving all the war and strife, after staring at a live bomb for hours, after surviving the manipulation of the fabric of your humanity, after enduring the machinations of a madman; you, Wanda Maximoff, are still alive and you are fighting to protect people. That gives me more hope than anything else ever could. In that, I see God, I see the complex beauty of life. You are a miracle, you are beautiful. There isn't a man or woman who could hope for more than you." By the time he finished speaking he was standing right in front of her. He could see that her eyes were shiny with unshed tears and her lips were trembling.

"Why would you say these things?"

"Because it is the truth and it is my belief that you needed to hear it."

"I... I've lost everyone. I can't lose you too."

"I assure you I'm a lot harder to kill than most. I won't be leaving you any time soon." The moisture in her eyes now slipped down her face even as a small smile rose onto her face.

"I will not push you into something you do not want. I just would like to know what you regard our relationship as." Wanda seemed to swallow a gust of air before inching her way over to him. She walked up to him until she was invading his space and then slowly, so slowly he was able to feel the seconds tick by, she leaned up and softly pressed her lips to his. He did not push, did not push for more, didn't apply too much more pressure than she did or sweep her into his arms. He simply reciprocated the soft gesture as best he could, following her lead in case he did something wrong. She pulled back slightly, keeping her face close to his while breathing the same air as him.

"Be patient please. I just need time." Vision didn't get a chance to answer again before she pressed her lips chastely to his again and then slipped out of the room. He was fine being patient if it meant waiting for her, if it meant making sure she would be comfortable and happy in the end he felt he might wait forever.

 

**III. Heavy in Your Arms**

 

_I was a heavy heart to carry_

_My beloved was weighed down_

_My arms around his neck_

_My fingers laced a crown_

 

Patience, it seems, pays off in the end because Wanda comes to him in her own time. Little by little she comes to him opening up more and more and receiving him in return until she was comfortable enough to say they were dating. They talked more about the future, a future together and there were more little things that he notices about her that he hadn’t before. Like the way her smile was able to push all the pain that sat in her eyes back, like the way her hands seemed to always find his no matter where they were, like how when they were training her energy would instinctively reach out to his, the red and yellow streams stringing together and strengthening each other.

There were moments where she would push him away, where she would shut down but then he would remember how Colonel Rhodes had spoken plainly and truthfully to Agent Hill, he would think of how patient Captain Rogers was until Sergeant Wilson was ready to admit he had need of the comfort he could provide and he would emulate that as best he could with Wanda. More times than not, it would work but then he started noticing the nightmares.

He had begun sleeping in her room with her and she would wake up at night, haunted by the demons of her past, and spend the rest of the night either wide awake and staring at the wall or shaking in her sleep and unable to wake despite his best efforts. He himself did not dream and he certainly was not sure how to handle bad ones. She would not speak about them at all, she would quickly change the subject if he ever brought it up or she would flat out leave the room and never bring it up. He was completely out of his depth and so he found himself, again, seeking knowledge to his newest dilemma through his teammates.

Every one of his human companions had nightmares. He could hear them scream sometimes, other times it was just written in the way they carried themselves the next day or in the redness coating their tired eyes but he knew the answer to his questions laid in the far east wing of the complex where Agent Romanoff and Sergeant Barnes resided. Sergeant Barnes rarely ever left the wing so Vision did not see him much unless he went over to that wing but from all the times he had seen the man he had looked weathered, exhausted and bone-witheringly tired. Wanda would tell him that he had nightmares every night and so sometimes he would not sleep and sometimes he would not talk for days on end. He could not imagine how he would react to that, Wanda not talking for days. It was already hard for him to handle the few hours where she refused to, following her nightmares, but to deal with it for days would take a special skill set it seemed only Agent Romanoff possessed.

He found himself going to their suite late at night, wishing to escape the oppressive silence as he and Wanda had laid staring at the ceiling for three hours following a nightmare she probably wouldn't mention the next day. He entered their floor extra quietly. Even if he was invisible they had heightened senses enough to know someone was there with them. The suite was dark accept for some moonlight coming in through the window. He looked around the apartment and almost completely missed Sergeant Barnes but the moon hit him just right enough to make out his silhouette and soon the rest of him. He was crouched in the corner of the living room, his hair was ruffled from a fitful attempt at sleep and he was shirtless, his metal arm bouncing the moon’s glow off of it. He was rocking back and forth, his hands running through his hair as he stared blankly ahead.

Vision looked up as Agent Romanoff came into view. She was bustling about the kitchen preparing two cups of tea silently before she walked over to Sergeant Barnes and gracefully folded herself onto the floor in front of him. She placed a mug of tea in front him before taking a sip of her own tea. The sergeant stopped rocking when she sat but didn’t speak, lowering his eyes to the mug of tea but not touching it. Vision began to feel the silence in the room press on him, it wasn’t any better than the room he had just escaped. Just as he thought to turn and leave Agent Romanoff put her mug of tea down and scooted closer to Barnes. He did not move or look at her as she silently held her hand out palm up. He stayed statue still for a moment before he began reaching his metal arm out to her. Vision watched as he dragged one finger down her palm before holding his own palm out and the agent reciprocated the motion and then tapped her finger against the metal twice.

Vision was familiar with this form of silent communication; the two assassins had spoken to each other through sign language in front of him before. They utilized the standard signing as well as writing symbols he did not understand on each other’s palms and implementing the use of morse code. It was a form of non-verbal communication that worked for them and always seemed intimate to him, just as intimate as watching Captain Rogers and Sergeant Wilson engaging physically on their sofa. He turned his face away from the two, the sounds of their fingers running against each other’s palms and tapping filling the air and yet he couldn’t bring himself to leave because then he would be faced with Wanda who he couldn’t help, who he couldn’t save from the voices in her head no matter how much strength he thought he might possess. He found his discomfort here infinitely more pleasurable.

“I’m a monster.” Vision looked up as the sergeant began speaking in a scratchy voice.

“We’re all monsters in our own way James.”

“The things I’ve done, I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve a second chance, I don’t deserve Steve or Sam or the Avengers or you.”

“The things _I’ve_ done, I don’t deserve this anymore than you do.”

“That’s not true Natalia. You deserve this, I don’t… I don’t…”

“Why do I deserve this more than you do? I’ve done things just as horrible as you, even more so in some instances. Don’t start thinking about what you do and don’t deserve. We survived, we survived what they did to us and now we can try to make up for the things we did.”

"Sometimes I..." He trailed off then, looking down at his untouched cup of tea. Agent Romanoff ran her fingertips over his cheek before tapping twice just over the edge of his cheekbone. He tapped the back of the hand on his face once in response but still didn't look at her.

"After everything went to hell, after I lost you and then burned the Red Room down, I worked as a mercenary. I didn't care who I was sent against; man or woman, adult or child, able bodied or crippled, innocent or guilty meant nothing as long as I was being paid. I was a horrible shadow of a person and I knew it. When I found out I was garnering the attention of those who might seek to put me down I encouraged it. I didn't feel like I deserved to live, I wasn't any better than Karpov or Ivan or Rodchenko or Lukin no matter what lies I fed myself. I wanted them to kill me because I felt I deserved it but I couldn't make it easy. I still fought like hell to survive. To this day I don't know what Clint saw that made him not kill me, maybe he saw himself, maybe it was my will to survive even when I wanted to die but I'm glad he didn't do it. It took a long while to feel that way but it came eventually." Vision was surprised the agent opened up, she was not a woman to do so easily or for just anyone but then he supposed Barnes wasn't just anyone to her.

"Sometimes I don't think I deserve to live and other times I get so angry because my life was taken from me before I really got to live it. Now I can't... I can't not fight. I spent so long barely breathing and after everything they did not surviving feels like letting them win." Now he felt foolish, he had not thought to open himself to Wanda first before expecting her to do the same. She was always forthcoming with what troubled her to him. He hadn't thought if he simply told her something that troubled him she might reciprocate.

"It's this widely spread idea that surviving instead of living is a horrible thing but not all the time, not when living was never an option."

"Not a lot of people understand that." Romanoff moved her hand to hold one of his.

"You know I do James." Barnes nodded and then picked up the mug of tea before him, sniffing it's contents before taking a long sip.

"For future reference, black tea makes this sedative stronger. You have to use green tea or mask it with vanilla." He said offhand, before taking another long drink.

"I know, I didn't want to hide it from you." He smiled slightly at her before knocking the tea back, grimacing a bit at the heat and then crawling over to the agent to lay his head on her lap.

"Sleep now, dorogoya." She commanded softly, running her fingers in his hair and massaging his scalp. Vision turned away again and walked away this time.

He found himself still reluctant to return to his and Wanda's room. There was only so many times he could look at the pain clouding her eyes or even worse the blankness in them. It hurt to be so useless especially when he doubted he could relate to her pain as Agent Romanoff related to Sergeant Barnes' but he made himself go back, each step weighing on him more and more. He made his way to their bedroom and was surprised to see her up and pacing the room, red energy pulsed from her in periodic bursts as she wore down the carpet.

"Wanda, are you alright?" He asked, fully entering the room. She whipped around at the sound of his voice and half ran to him before stopping.

"Where have been? It's been nearly two hours." Her voice raised a bit. Vision was actually taken aback, not just by her tone, he hadn't really noticed the passage of time.

"I didn't know I was gone so long, I just needed to clear my head a moment." Wanda stared at him before her whole body seemed to sag.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have raised my voice at you. I'm just tense and tired."

"You don't have to apology to me. I understand." He hesitated before walking over to her and leading her to sit on the edge of the bed.

"I don't dream so I can't have nightmares but I do find myself troubled sometimes. Ultron was not good but he was the closest thing I can call family. I... I never wanted to kill him but I know it was necessary. I don't want to burden you with such troubles, not after what you lost due to his actions, but I feel a curious sadness when I think of him."

"You do have family, Vision. This team is your family. You have Helen and even Stark. I don't want you to feel you cannot tell me what troubles you even if it doesn't trouble me in quite the same way."

"Nor do I." He said, his voice heavy with implication. She looked at him a moment before sighing.

"I keep dreaming of my family. We are in our kitchen in Sokovia, eating and laughing together. We are happy together. Then bombs start dropping, the whole city is on fire. The bombs aren't Stark's though, they are marked with swastikas. All of a sudden I have a gun in my hand and a knife. My mother has the word 'gypsy' carved on her forehead, my father a number on his arm and they are both dead, I killed them. Then I put a gun in Pietro's hand and I make him kill our Jewish neighbors. While out city, our home, falls to ruin around us."

"Wanda--"

"I was the one to convince Pietro we should volunteer for HYDRA's experiments. I spit on my family's name, on my heritage. I might as well have killed them myself. To make matters worse, Sokovia was destroyed. Everyone I knew lost their homes and some of them their lives and it was my fault, I helped create Ultron and look what happened." Vision watched as Wanda looked down, a tear running down her cheek.

"Colonel Rhodes tells me things happen for a reason. I do not know the reason for this but I do know that you are fighting HYDRA now, you have saved lives and no doubt inspired some young girls out there to fight too. I know that does not completely quell your pain but is that not something?"

"... I suppose." Vision sighed at Wanda's continued sullen mood.

"I wish I could say more, I wish I knew what to say." Wanda shook her head, opened her eyes and then shut them again before wrapping her arms around his neck tightly. Vision reciprocated the embrace, not knowing what else to do. He wasn't sure if his observation of the agent and the sergeant was a success or a failure but as Wanda began shaking with sobs he was leaning towards the latter.

 

**IV. Let It Be**

 

_When I find myself in times of trouble_

_Mother Mary comes to me_

_Speaking words of wisdom_

_Let it be_

 

Vision did not observe his teammates' most intimidate moments for a long time after and it shamed him that it had nothing to do with the fact that he was wrong for intruding on moments he had no business having anything to do with but it was because he wasn’t able to help Wanda even though he did his best to gather as much information as he could. Wanda did not bring up their conversation again but he could feel the tension coming off her in waves, could feel it in every kiss she gave him, every hug, every embrace, every word of endearment and he didn’t think there was a thing he could do about it.

It was the way of scientist, when your hypothesis isn’t proven in an experiment you don’t abandon the experiment you change your variables and so Vision found himself not going to spy on his teammates but going to consult another scientist on the matter.

“So you’ve spent the last few months spying on the other Avengers in their relationships so you could learn to be in a relationship with Wanda?” Helen reiterated as they sit together in her lab one evening. Her face was not judgmental or showed any malice to him.

“Yes, I have. I know my actions have been wrong but I… I didn’t know what else to do. Humans learn through interaction and demonstration, do they not? I figured this was not so different.”

“Not so much, no. I’m a little torn here. On one hand I want to tell you that you don’t need to follow them for your relationship to work, you just need to be yourself. On the other hand it’s a little harder when so much of yourself is ruled by the machinations of other people. You have your own autonomy yet what you know from the world is seen through Ultron’s eyes and Stark’s and your teammates’, it might be a little difficult to find a sense of self in all of that.” She rationalized before her nose scrounged.

“I have to say, you’re making me feel like a failure as a mother here.” Vision felt an involuntary smile rise on his lips. He knew he was not human but Helen referring to herself as his mother always made him feel a curious sense of warmth.

“I don’t think it’s so strange, you watching the Avengers and learning. That’s what us humans do in a way when we watch movies and television shows. We end up mimicking what we see, it helps shape the way we react in our own relationships and what we look for but you know Wanda was interested in you long before you started your observation.”

“I know, I just… I don’t know how to help her and my observations haven’t yielded the desired results.”

“Sometimes, in science, we don’t get the desired results. I can’t tell you how many experiments have failed. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t but that doesn’t mean the end result wasn’t worth it if it was important to you. Is Wanda important to you?”

“More important than any one person should be to me.”

“Then she is worth it.” Vision looked over at her as she held his hand in hers.

“People can’t be measured in ones and zeros, we aren’t a science. Sometimes there are just things that can’t be helped or fixed. There are some things people need to deal with themselves and it may mean that she shuts down, it may mean that she pushes you away, it may mean she won’t talk to you, it may mean she doesn’t know how to fix herself any more than you do. It may even mean she doesn’t know how to love herself.”

“So what do I do?”

“You love her, love her so much that she forgets to hate herself. Just don’t smother her if that’s not what she needs in that moment but always, always love her. I don’t think that will be a problem for you.”

“I haven’t told her that I feel quite so strongly for her.”

“She knows, you just need to say it is all. You’ll be fine.” She raised his hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it and he replied with a kiss to the top of her head as he usually always did. She gave him a large smile before pulling him up.

“Now, no more emotional drama, come see this new experiment I’ve been working on.” Vision let himself relax and let Helen pull him where she wanted, he would have faith that he and Wanda would be able to weather this storm if only a little raged.

 

**V. Silhouettes**

 

_And you are folded on the bed where I rest my head_

_There’s nothing I can see_

_Darkness becomes me_

_But I’m already there, I’m already there_

_Wherever there is you_

_I will be there too_

 

When Vision arrived back to the complex he found Wanda lying awake in bed. She had a picture in her hands and was caressing it lovingly. She looked up as he walked into the room, her hand lowering enough for him to see it was a picture of her and her brother.

“How was Helen?” She asked.

“She was well, she’s working on something new so I suspect it will take nothing short of an apocalyptical event to get her out of the lab.”

“We seem to have that in spades so perhaps she will be out sooner rather than later.” Vision kneeled down in front of the bed and grasped the hand not already holding the picture in her hand.

“I have something to tell you, it may frighten you but that doesn’t make it any less true.” She looked at him curiously, her eyes still held a sadness to them that he wished with all of him that he could banish.

“I know that moments such as this usual are prefaced by a speech but I fear I’m not so good at that so I will just say it: I love you. There is much more I could say but that’s what it really boils down to. I love you, Wanda.” She stared at him for a moment before she began to smile widely at him, all the pain pushed to the very back of her eyes.

“I love you too.” She did not say more than that but she kissed the picture before she placed it under her pillow and then pulled him onto the bed. She wrapped herself around him tightly, her heartbeat pulsing through him, and he held her back. They did not speak for the rest of the night but they did not have to, their words hug in the air between them and the pain in her eyes dulling if only for a moment was more reward than anything he could think to find.

Wanda slept through the night that night, she did not have nightmares.

**Author's Note:**

> Songs:  
> Overjoyed - Bastille  
> The Words - Christina Perri  
> Heavy In Your Arms - Florence + The Machine  
> Let It Be - The Beatles  
> Silhouettes - Of Monsters & Men


End file.
